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Big decisions

February 9, 2010

I’ve decided to take a step back from school in a while.

So much has happened in the last year:

Since December of 2008:

  • My parents got a divorce and my world was rocked.
  • I spent the summer on a missions internship in Kenya and my heart aches to serve those who the world throws to the ground.
  • I transferred from Denison University in Ohio to the University of Kentucky over the summer- right before my senior year.
  • Daniel and I finally got to be in the same place, instead of dating long-distance!
  • I got engaged (to my best friend and man of God)!
  • We have a house to move into once we’re married (praise the Lord!)
  • We will be married in May (108 days from now!)
  • My dad got remarried
  • My dad moved in with his new family, my mom and siblings moved into a new house- thus leaving me without a sense of “home”.
  • I’m plugged in with an awesome small group of girls, these women have truly been such great friends during this time of transition!
  • There are 4+ weddings of my friends to go to this summer!

So many things have been happening lately, and many of the things I’ve gone through have made me a stronger person. However, I have not begun to deal with the reality of my parents divorce, and I have not really had time to grieve  or absorb anything. My life has been on “fast-forward” for a while, and I’m feeling the effects. I’m taking some time for myself and away from Lexington for a bit. I feel like I’ve been trudging through the mud for the past 7 or so months. I have been extremely emotional and anxious about many things, and that is not who I am.

I have struggled to be my usual, fun-loving, adventurous self. There’s something inside of me that needs healing. After bringing all of my anxieties, fear and frustrations to the Lord, I have recieved confirmation that I need to take a step back.

I intend to spend time in prayer, in fasting and in reading my Bible. I need to gain a better sense of who I am as a child of God. I need to prepare my heart and my mind for marriage. I want to go in to our marriage with a better sense of who I am and how I can serve Daniel even better. I want to feel whole again, I want to regain a sense of purpose and a direction. In God’s time, I’ll go back to school and finish my degree. With the Lord’s direction, he will provide opportunities to minister and to be filled up.

I’ll be spending a few weeks in Louisville collecting myself and receiving counsel, and then I’ll return back to Lexington where I will continue counseling. I plan on beginning to work, I need something to keep me busy. I am praying that my spirit is mended- I feel so very broken- and I can’t give to others when I’m hurting.

The Lord has blessed me so much- he has put people in my life that are supportive of the choices that I’m making.

I don’t really know who will read this, but I just wanted to document this so that I can come back and look at this entry later and just have a record of what God has brought me through!

And just for kicks- another engagement picture with our “love eggs”

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3 comments

  1. please find me if you have time in Louisville. We can go for a run (or cross country ski)…depending on the weather! 🙂 God has you in this and will heal those parts of you as you get close to him. You will make a great wife and you’ll already a world changer. Looking forward to continuing the journey with you. praying for you sister!


  2. Keep your head up kiddo! (Hehe, get it, you’re older than me!?) Maybe you can take some cooking classes to help channel some of that energy, I heard it can be very therapeutic.

    Of course, if you need anything, I’m always here for you —- even if I go to school 700 miles away!


  3. I have you close in my prayers Holly. I really understand what you are talking about. My world felt like it was completely crumbled after my mom and stepfather divorced when I was in the middle of high school. I tried to ignore everything going on inside, but I finally hit rock bottom. Now I see that it was the first time I realized my complete helplessness. He was right there with me, but it took me a while to fully lean into Him. In the hands of the Potter, I am still going through healing on a number of levels. My heart stirs as I think about how wonderful and faithful He is. I know He will fill you with all that you need. I will keep praying alongside you as you go on this journey with the One who holds your heart.



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